Fuck pirates

Yeah, I said it: Fuck pirates. Pirates used to be cool, and now those Somali bastards had to go and harsh on my wow. I want peg legs and eye patches and foul-mouthed parrots, not this death and destruction and real-life shit. Johnny Depp would never pull this crap. He'd swing from a vine looking all hot and stuff. That's what pirate-osity should be about. Pirates have no personal pride these days.

And we totally need to stop calling people who steal shit off the Internet "pirates." I know they wanna be cool, but no one is taking hostages over Justin Timberlake singles. And if you are, you're lame. Knock it off with the hostage-taking, you git.

Citibank to eat my cash

So far, I've received two e-mails from Citibank assuring me that my accounts are FDIC insured.

How comforting.

Clearly, I need to find a new bank, but with the rate they're failing, I'm not even sure where to go. During the Depression, my grandparents kept their savings in the Bank of Old Mattresses, and that seems like a better idea every day. Especially if pirates snatch my savings. A Somali pirate tried to steal my lunch money just this afternoon, and I had to beat him off with a sharpened pencil.

No, wait, I mean beat him up. Beating him off is definitely something different.

Arrgh, matey!

When I Googled "pirates," I expected to get lots of baseball crap. But the Pittsburgh Pirates ended up being only the fourth hit down, preceded by Wikipedia entries on piracy and the video game "Pirates!" In first place was something relevant to my search -- a National Post article on pirates in Somalia.

All of the Johnny Depp jokes have been made on Fark already, so I won't bother, but I don't get why it's so hard to catch these guys. Just steal their peg legs and eye patches, and they'll be gimpy dudes with no depth perception.

It seems pretty simple.

I'm sure international piracy has serious repercussions on blah blah blah and all that, but it's hard to take this shit seriously when all I can think of are parrots screeching, "Shiver me timbers!"

Then I Googled "shiver me timbers" and found that it essentially means "may God strike me dead." Which will happen soon enough, no doubt.