My dad is deaf, so I roar

Having my dad sleep over our apartment is a weird experience -- partly because we don't have a bed set up for him yet, so I end up sleeping with dad and Devon takes the couch.

Dad wakes up, like, every hour on the hour to take a leak. Seriously. His bladder must be the size of a shot glass. I'm so happy I declined the prostate option at conception.

Every hour or so, Dad ambles out of bed and looks for the bathroom, because he forgets where it is every. single. time. The bathroom is 3 feet from the bed. He would see it if he simply turned around. I try to tell him where it is, but he can't hear me, because his hearing aids are in the change bowl in the living room, so it ends with me gesturing wildly and screaming, "IT'S OVER THERE! THE BATHROOM'S OVER THERE!"

In the semi-darkness, I might as well be a giant mute octopus.

My main concern is that Dad will pee the bed, which is not outside the realm of possibility. That's why I sleep on Devon's side and Dad sleeps on my side.

The things I do for love.

My dad is breakin' the law, breakin' the law

And busting up the neighbor's car.

Dad snuck out of the house and smashed into the car in front of him trying to get out of his spot. I was pretty sure I wasn't going to have to deal with this until I had a 17-year-old kid, but my dad's a rebel and he's never ever been any good.

We have definitely taken his keys now. And at least he crashed right in front of the house instead of three blocks away, where he would have been totally lost.

Bad dad. Bad, bad dad. No TV for you.

Reunion.com screwed me over

So I was doing a little random Google-stalking of people I've lost contact with, and I noticed that an old foster sister of mine could have been on Facebook. I say could have been because I haven't seen her in 20 years, and I imagine she's changed since she was 4. The Facebook pic was of a young woman holding a toddler who looked exactly like she did at that age, leading me to believe 1) She really hasn't aged a day in 20 years, 2) She is all growed up and has a kid of her own, or 3) It's not her and I'm stalking a complete stranger.

I found a Reunion.com entry that matched, so I signed up for it, since it was free. In my zeal to reconnect with my foster sister, I guess I missed the disclaimer that said Reunion would spam my ENTIRE GODDAMN ADDRESS BOOK in a marketing blitz from the bowels of hell. Everyone in my address book got a message from "me" telling them to sign up for Reunion.com -- including two guys I dated that I lost touch with on purpose, one friend I lost touch with by accident, and two very confused professional contacts.

Does anyone know how to join the witness protection program without actually having to witness something?

P.S.: If you were still considering joining Reunion.com, stop. They don't even let you see anything helpful unless you pay for their "premium" service, which apparently comes with a Taser and a fake mustache for when you accidentally spam everyone you know and everyone you'd hoped to never hear from again.