BE AFRAID! -- no, not really

At a friend's house the other day, I learned that children in a school in New Jersey aren't allowed to carry backpacks from class to class anymore, presumably because they're hauling weapons of mass destruction to history class. I know I would.

When I was in high school, I had a bag that could hold about 4,000 pounds of crap. I carried all my morning books in that bag so I wouldn't have to trudge back and forth to my locker. I could fit small freshmen in that bag.

Maybe that's why schools started outlawing backpacks. Good job, me.

What the hell are people so afraid of, and why do they create crap rules that don't keep us any safer?

Cracked explores the problem with its usual brand of ferocious investigative journalism. I always suspected that Amber Alerts and the sex-offender registry were worthless, at best.

Diddling kids sucks, but if it's going to happen, odds are it's going to be creepy Uncle Todd, who REALLY likes giving horsey rides, rather than that dorky loner three blocks down who got nailed once for public urination.

Hell, if anyone had seen me peeing in Mom's backyard, I could be a sex offender now.

I draw the line at zombie plagues

I'm fine with killing hobos. Someone's gotta do it. But even I have my limits, and those limits are at forcing people into PCP-induced homicidal rages.

This is Devon's great plan in life in case the whole computer thing turns out to be a fad. It'll take him about 10 years to develop the biochemical background necessary to turn normal, mild-mannered citizens of earth into flesh-eating machines of death, but things could move fast, so I gotta be ready.

I'm considering creating the hippie plague, where people wander around all mellow and eating cheezy poofs and stuff.

Also, if you have any ideas for a freakin' awesome and dirt-cheap wedding, let me know. Winner gets an invitation.

It's like a charley horse in my skull

Somebody smack me the next time I read comments posted on CNN. I did it today, and something inside me broke like Mickey Rooney in "Boys Town." 

Look, Wayne -- yes, I'm talking to you -- the fact that a scientific study indicates that people have a herd mentality even when the herd is dumb does not prove that evolution is wrong. I don't even know how you made that leap, but your shit's all retarded, so stop. 

Sure, there are gaps in our knowledge. There's an 18-year gap in the Bible between when Jesus' voice first cracked and when he kicked off his ministry, but no one is saying the Bible is crap because of it. The Bible is crap for other reasons, but not for that one. Spitting in the face of reason doesn't make you an "independent thinker" who forges his own path. It makes you a fundie nitwit. 

I can't find this article on CNN anymore, since CNN supports creationism and wants you to live in darkness. Take it up with them.