Tuesday, May 12, 2009

That puddle of pee is NOT mine

I lied. That puddle of pee is totally mine.

I gave my mother plenty of warning that I was coming to visit, but she and dad are a combined 1,000 years old, so they were still out grocery shopping in the time it took me to get from Woodside to Howard Beach by bus.

I tried to wait. For about three minutes. Then I decided to pee in the backyard.

I climbed over the fence and the large air conditioning unit so I could get some cover from the fence that separates my parents' backyard from McDonald's drive-thru, thinking that if only I had a penis I wouldn't need to be so athletic.

When Mom got back, I told her what happened and she laughed, because my Mom's awesome like that.

But now I'm faced with a philosophical dilemma. Is that puddle of pee still mine, or does it belong to Mom now? Or maybe God. And if God, what is God going to do with my pee?

Questions like these are why I decided not to be a nun after all.


  1. that's totally awesome. Tell Devon he can stop teasing me about be "petite petank" now.

  2. I think that name is yours forever.

  3. Um... If your parents house is behind a McDonald's, wouldn't it have been easier to go inside and pee there? Then you would have had a toilet and some really bad for you french fries.

  4. Mmmm...French fries.

    Easier, yes, faster, no. The house is on the corner, and the McDonald's is around the corner, and the bathroom is in the back of the store.

    Desperation, I haz it.

  5. That's some desperation right there, Ayup. That pee is now Mother Earth's, unless you're going to go dig up that patch of earth and tote it around with you in a baggie or hand it off to your mom.

    Neither of which I suggest.

    If God wanted your pee, he/she/it would have sent an angel for it. Angel's = God's messengers and UPS delivery personnel.

  6. You're probably right. Besides, claiming the pee would have involved ripping up the concrete, which would probably have resulted in my mom being far less amused.

    God can collect her own urine samples.

  7. I peed in the woods on Friday. Don't tell anyone.

  8. Your secret is safe with me and the hundreds...tens...handful of people who read this blog.